Day 4
Today has replaced yesterday’s tomorrow, and here I sit in a home that is not my home. Night has yet to arrive, but growing shadows have spoken their promise to seal this day beneath their weight.
I wrote yesterday of strange moments I could not explain, and to my growing worry, that road has loaned itself to today as well. The world is rolling on, tracing a new line of rail that remains mapped beyond the horizon of my eye.
Like a roach, I live on as I was, while the world around me has evolved into something much more complex, and thus much more fragile. There seems to be a balance growing in tilt with every passing moment, and I am alone here to dangle from one edge to the other, like a pendulum swinging without rhythm or course.
I’m sorry. I’m confused and probably not making much sense. I can just feel that something isn’t right with me, with this place. I’ll try to explain, but how do you explain what you don’t understand. I haven’t the words to fully describe how raw products become a working car. Yet, I can tell you we have cars and they do, did run.
Yesterday, after I left McDonald’s, I walked, still abiding by the rules of a lost society, along the sidewalks. There is no point to this, as the streets have no passengers, only habit. It was here, on the sidewalk mid-stride that I again stumbled upon the unexplainable.
The closest feeling I can equate to what happened would be bumping your shoulder on a corner you cut too close. My thoughts were lost within themselves, a snake eating its own tail, so I may have missed something, but for the life of me, I cannot remember anything out of place. There was just one step after another and then suddenly an invisible corner or hand thrust hard against my left shoulder.
It spun me around, or at least I think it did. Honestly, I can’t remember, but I was suddenly facing the opposite direction, kneeling over myself with a sore shoulder. There were no sounds, no follow up touches, only the first abrupt hit.
Did my mind come to a hurdle and forget to jump? I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on.
After a moment of bewilderment, that I left unresolved, I stood and began to walk. My head tried to create a parallel to normalcy, but could only spin. I began to feel nauseous. There was a bus stop ahead, and I aimed myself haphazardly towards it. Unfortunately, this didn’t make things better.
As I went to sit down something else happened. I’m sorry, for again, I find it difficult to explain. Just because I don’t know the physics of why the sun burns, doesn’t mean it won’t rise tomorrow. Am I arguing with myself? I think I am, and it doesn’t feel like I’m winning. Is that possible?
I sat, but didn’t make it all the way to the bench. Does that make sense? I mean, I sat on something, but it was quickly pulled out from under me, causing me to flop hard against the actual bench. In the end, I essentially sat down twice in one fractured motion, or at least, that’s the best I can explain it.
Now, I’ll skip forward a little bit, if you’ll indulge me. Feeling uneasy, and more than a little drunk, minus the alcohol, I found my way to a house with an unlocked door, thinking shelter would help calm me down.
But, once inside, I’d swear I watched an open book materialize in mid-air before saddling up on gravity and galloping recklessly into the floor. I wanted to run. I still want to run, but where would I go? If you can’t see the sharks in the water, how do you know which way to swim, or if swimming itself will only make it worse?
I’m sorry. Am I chasing my tail? What happens if I catch it? I’m so confused.
Maybe tomorrow things will make a little more sense.
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